Out of the Locker Room

Warning: This article contains some graphic language. Apologies in advance.


I have two sons. They are both in their early teenage years now, so I have decided to start talking with them about rape culture and cutting through the confusing messages prevailing in media and popular culture about how men should behave towards women. As a parent, I have realized that one of the most impactful things I could do is checking what resides in the depths of my children's hearts.

Too many people, most of them guys, quickly dismiss "locker room" talk as meaningless and mere foolishness. Someone I know pointed out that we girls do the same thing when we ogle hot guys who have six packs; that we, too, objectify men. So how about we take a beat and consider for a second the possibility of someone bringing "harmless" words and admiration out of the locker room and into the real world? The ideas that turn into reality come from somewhere, and if that wellspring is filled with poison, then naturally the same stuff is what comes out.

This, to me, is why it was horrifying to read about Eleanor Henry's accidental discovery of a "locker room" discussion about her. Even if those boys didn't act on their wishes, they have already violated that girl's identity in their eyes. They say they don't even really know her, and yet they have already reduced her to a "bike".

In another example, a young female activist in my city somehow ended up in the crosshairs of a supposedly free-thinking group. One of its members posted about her and commented on how her righteous anger is ridiculous. Below is one of the screenshots from the comments thread of that post. If you can't understand Filipino, let me summarize the general message for you: they think her mouth is perfect for a BJ and they would like to tie her up for a gang bang.

The unfortunate truth is, there will always be people who will keep insisting on how harmless this kind of "macho" talk is. But I'm very sure that many rape victims ended up in those terrible situations because someone began simply with thinking, saying, or wanting to do as they wished.

More than ever, it's time for everyone to speak up and make it clear that this kind of talk is not OK and will never be OK.  

In fact, it's ILLEGAL. You can sue for sexual harrassment, unjust vexation, and/or cyberbullying, as relevant to what actually happened.

Please watch the video below. Read more about it at this link on Upworthy.

I truly believe in this:

A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. (Luke 6:45)

What you say and do does reflect on who you are and what you believe. At any given point in time, we can always tell ourselves to pause for a moment and think before we act or say anything. Just as the young guys in this screenshot of an excellent chat thread below did. Again, for those who can't understand Filipino, let me sum it up: Almost immediately after one dude starts salivating over a certain girl, the other guys leave the chatroom. The poster had captioned this with "'Pag may tropa kayong manyak sa gc, 'wag n'yo na lang i-entertain." (Translation: "If there's a maniac in your group chat, do not entertain.")

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. (Ephesians 4:29)

Tips for Helping Kids Cope with Frustration

Image source here

Initially, it may be funny to imagine young kids being frustrated. What could possibly upset them so much to exasperate them? But remember that you -- we -- were once kids. At that age, concerns like schoolwork, grades, your best friend not wanting to play with you, a classmate grabbing your snack, etc. were sources of stress and frustration. These are real issues and cause big feelings for small kids. How did you deal with your feelings then?

Whether you are a parent, grandparent, uncle, aunt, godparent, teacher, coach, or guardian who has direct influence over a child's well-being and development, you are in a position where it is important for you to be understanding, patient, and respectful of a child's anxieties.

To help us out, check out this blog post that shares 6 Ways to Help Children Cope with Frustration.

How will your Child Remember You?

Have you heard your parents say to you how "you will understand when you become a parent yourself"? Well, it turns out they were right. I found myself repeating those words (and many other things my Ma used to say!) to my kids just a few days back. I've also come to appreciate my parents' wisdom and simplicity.

A line that my Pa had often said to us was, "I'm not rich, but I will invest in your education because I am investing in your future." He also often told us to enjoy simple treats (like the after-school snacks he bought for us when he fetched us from school) and laugh -- even if sarcastically -- at silly things (like those tired gags on noontime TV shows).

It is those moments that make me grateful for the best gifts my parents gave to me and my brothers: their time and attention.

Last year, when we asked our young sons what they would like as Christmas gifts, they said that they couldn't really think of anything they wanted. But when asked what they'd like from their godparents, they recited at least 5 things without a blink. When we pressed them for an answer later on, they asked if we could just have dinner together at a restaurant that they liked. Best holiday ever :)

How will your child remember you? In this blog post are 35 of the best gifts you can ever give your kids :) Read, enjoy, and share the love!

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting Inattentive Kids to Pay Attention

Some of these teaching tips (found on Pinterest) could also work for parents who have overactive or playful young children. With my two boys, I've found that I can make them focus by asking them to repeat what I've just said. It also helps to simplify your message and be consistent in your expectations of your children's behavior and attitude.

posted from Bloggeroid

10 Truths for Little Boys Before Turning 10

Inspired by an article of a similar title but for little girls, I'm sharing here 10 things we teach our boys.

1. It's OK to cry.
None of that macho-wacho stuff. Who says boys can't be honest with their feelings? If you take the time to listen to their thoughts, ideas, opinions while they're young, you build a trusting and honest relationship with your kids.

2. Share.
Sharing is not just about kindness. It's also about being considerate and selfless. It builds social awareness.

3. Be a gentleman; don't wait to be asked to help.
Being a gentleman has nothing to do with being gallant. It's about showing respect, courtesy, and initiative.

4. Walk away.
Choose your battles. More often than not, some battles are waged for the wrong reasons and with the wrong weapons. Walk away and use your strengths on better things.

5. Ask for help.
All too often, some of my guy friends have proven certain male stereotypes true. Like how guys don't like asking for help at the risk of appearing clueless or weak. Save yourself precious time and effort by asking for help.

6. Put things back where they belong.
Another stereotype that I've seen proven countless times over is that guys are messy. Being messy isn't just yucky and annoying, it can create a potential health hazard and cause you to lose or misplace important things.

7. Help clean the house.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with guys learning how to do household chores.

8. Don't hit girls.
Kids have a simple view of the world. No status, family background, gender. So when rough play happens, someone will get hurt. We taught our boys early on to treat girls more carefully.

9. Learn to cook.
Thanks to the Food Network, Asian Food Channel, and other similar channels/shows, boys now grow up seeing guys at the stove and in the kitchen and doing grocery shopping. It's now as important for boys to learn their way around the kitchen as it is for girls to learn how to use tools.

10. Look nice.
Let's not make this about grooming or being fashionable. Being presentable is not about appearances. It's about self-respect and respect for others. When you take the time to take care of yourself, you will feel good about yourself and others will notice that as well.

Purity Promise

Virginity, chastity, purity.  Why does the idea of staying pure before marriage elicit sarcastic snickers?  Isn't it possible anymore these days?  Does staying a virgin until the pastor declares "You have now been joined in holy matrimony" a childish dream?  If the shocking and disturbing increase in the rate of teenage pregnancies in the Philippines is any indication, then I guess the answer to my last question is a sobering "Yes".  But I believe that with the guidance of responsible and caring adults and friends, it is possible to protect oneself from sexual temptations.

When My Kids Get Hurt

My sons began taking up taekwondo just last summer. This was a decision they made themselves. They were promoted to high yellow belt last May. Now, they're working towards getting blue belts. It required them to experience sparring. I've surrendered myself to the fact that boys will be boys, so scrapes and bruises have recurring roles on my kids. But when they asked for my permission to let them join spars, I suddenly felt reluctant and nervous.

Challenges of Breastfeeding

Because a friend and I decided to create a video documentary on wet nursing for our undergraduate thesis, we learned everything a mother needed to know about breastfeeding and breastmilk years before we ourselves became mothers.  This stock of knowledge has enabled us to help dozens of friends and relatives with their own breastfeeding issues over the last decade or so. From these experiences, despite tons of articles on the topic, I've also learned that there are some things about breastfeeding that you will only find out after the baby has arrived:

Sensible Godparenting

My kids with one of their "kinakapatid"

Our fourth godchild had just turned one year old yesterday.  She is a gorgeous baby girl who is now in that stage when she finds her own voice entertaining.  Another of our godchildren is turning 3 in a few weeks. He has just started going to preschool yesterday.  His mother reported that he wasn't anxious about the new experience at all, and had actually taken to the new environment quite quickly.  Good boy!

Whenever we get updates about how our godkids are doing, I feel so proud of them.  But then a while later, I catch myself looking at stuff that I shouldn't be interested in anymore, like cute little pajamas and toddler toys.  My own children are turning 7 and 10 this year.  What was I doing browsing through bibs, small shoes, and reusable cloth diapers?

Doin' the Sex Talk

Tweet

In the debate on "Sex Education" during ABS-CBN's "Harapan" about the "RH Bill", the obviously out-of-place Fr. Melvin Castro asked the pro-RH panel if the inclusion of sex education is mandated because of doubts around the parents' ability to discuss the topic with their children. Rep. Risa Hontiveros replied that it is there because, according to surveys, most parents are not willing to discuss it with their children. Women's rights advocate Beth Angsioco clarified that sex education isn't simply about sex and the reproductive system. It also highlights values-based education that focuses on responsibility and respect towards self and others.

My own parents never spoke to me and my younger brothers about sex or reproductive health. I don't know why, maybe I should ask them one of these days. But one thing I know for sure is, I learned more about sex and reproduction from movies, my friends, and Biology class during my first year in college. I remember our class being shown a documentary that presented the development of a human baby from fertilization to birth. We all left the classroom wanting to puke our brains out. Until now, I can see in my mind that close-up shot of the baby's head coming out of the vagina.

*barf break*

The Mommy Radar

One of the funniest stories I have about Mama is that time when she suddenly walked into my room, made me sit across her on my bed, and worriedly asked me, "Why are you drinking? Do you have a problem?" 

Incredulous at my mom's question, I wasn't able to keep a loud laugh from bursting out of me. Of course it annoyed her and made her want me to see that she was serious, which was severely obvious and was the reason why I had laughed. I simply explained to her that, yes, I do drink but not because I have any problems; that I'm a social drinker, meaning I just drink at parties with friends; and that I've never gotten drunk (true at the time I told her this. Got drunk for the first time a couple of years after that, at a friend's going-away party).

The Sad Truth About Jan-Jan

The local blogosphere is now littered with way too many opinions, theories, philosophies, and psychoanalytical essays about our society in attempts to make sense of the Jan-jan scandal.  At the risk of oversimplifying a serious incident, it seems to me that it happened because a 6-year old was convinced he could get whatever he wanted by doing what his parents let him believe was good and right.

For all we know, maybe in a parallel universe, lewd dancing might be the most awesome way to shake your booty.  Unfortunately for Jan-jan's parents, putting that idea in your child's head sends the wrong message -- not only to Jan-jan, but also to the youth populace of this country who saw this young boy get lucky.  I can't even begin to imagine the repercussions of this incident.  But, see, this is one of the reasons why R.A. 7610 exists.  Gang Badoy said it best: "Just because the parents approve of it does not oblige the State to lower its standards on how to regard children."

Pinning all the blame on Willie will not and cannot solve anything.  As far as I'm concerned, he has already sold his soul to the devil.  Pinning the blame on Jan-jan's parents also would not change things nor prevent similar incidents in the future, simply because there are too many hungry people out there who are desperate enough to do almost anything.

But, make no mistake about it: the fight against abuse wasn't born yesterday.  What we can do is to take the enemy down one step at a time, starting with cutting his lifeline (sponsors) and demanding child protection against such situations.

Please sign this petition:
CHILD ABUSE ON WILLING WILLIE SHOW OF TV5

Please appeal to / boycott the advertisers of Willing Willie:
Sponsors of Willing Willie starting to take action

WoMo to SAHM

It used to be that one of the corner offices in the floor above mine at work was the stronghold of a tough mama, whose reputation as an iron-fisted bitch preceded her like an entourage would a celebrity.  I am proud to call her my friend.

We worked in different departments but we became connected through a common friend and interest.  It was during off-hours hook-ups over drinks and good food that I came to know her better and saw a side of her that many didn't.  And on the day she finally said goodbye to a life as a high-powered manager in a Fortune 500 company, she revealed to me the true reason why she left: she did it for love.  

Top 5 Lessons from Papa

Reading about the Tiger Mom took me back to the days when I froze every time my father spoke.  I used to answer "Papa" (that's his pic on the left) to the question "What are you afraid of?"  But now, myself raising two young boys and looking back through the eyes of a parent, I am grateful he was so stern with me (not as much as the Tiger Mom is to her daughters, thankfully).

More importantly, I am glad my dad worked doubly hard to hammer these lessons into our heads:

Filing VL to be at Your Child's Sickbed

UPDATE (April 11, 2017): The leave I'm describing in this post is called "Parental Leave". I learned the term from a research I did for a work article that compares maternity/parental benefits across Asia Pacific countries. In APAC, among the few countries that have a policy similar to what I described here, Australia's and New Zealand's are worth checking out. Australia calls it "Childcare Leave", while NZ calls it "Extended Parental Leave". Look them up!


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UPDATE (Feb. 4, 2011): A friend, who's also a dad and has experienced an ER situation with his son, suggested that maybe there should be a policy that allows SL credits to be converted to ELs (Emergency Leaves).  I think that's a good idea.  I hope someone can turn it into a reality.

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Early in the morning one day in late August 2009, I got a call from a dear friend, Nette, who at that time was supposed to be en route to Boracay with her family on their annual vacation.  But when I heard her speak in a controlled quiver instead of cheerful excitement, I immediately felt that something was very wrong.  She asked, "I need help with getting our airplane tickets cancelled or rebooked."

"Why?" I was suddenly fully awake, preparing myself for the worst.  And then it came in the next words she uttered: "We rushed Mariel to the ER last night."

New Ideas for Kids' Healthy Snacks

We got another nicely-formatted letter from the preschool principal about a month ago, informing parents about "Culinary Week" on Jan. 5-7, during which the young ones will be taught how to prepare some simple healthy eats. And, parents can also join the fun by assisting their kids.

I thought this was a really good move on the school's part to help parents come up with new ideas about what healthy snacks to let kids bring to school.  Because, God knows, I've run out of ideas and I'm sure I'm not alone in this problem.  My excuse is I'm a working mom and I'm too tired to think -- plus, healthy food is pricier.  Why can't the school just prepare those healthy fare instead?  I'm more than willing to pay extra for that service if it exists.

But, if there's anything I learned from Culinary Week is this: shame on me, I knew my excuse was horribly lame and I should stop using it.  Moreover, healthier options are not expensive at all.  You just need to be creative.

Here are some of the super easy-to-make kid-friendly recipes we learned:

Staying Up Late is Overrated

Today, I got my Christmas wish: I "hibernated" for 10 hours.  Well, technically, I wanted to be on snooze mode for 12 hours, uninterrupted.  The 10 hours was interrupted after the first 6 hours, and it's 2 hours less than my desired hibernation time, but sleep is sleep, and for someone who's been having an average of only 4 hours of sleep time the past 6 weeks, this was already pretty awesome.

My tweet about this got a friend to reply: "Funny how kids hate going to bed/taking naps. But for adults, sleep is a luxury!"  I responded that my kids insist that they can stay up late because it's still vacation time, to which the same friend said, "Tell them staying up late is overrated!"  This made me realize that I'd heard that line when I was much younger.  But did I listen?  Of course not.  I bet you didn't either.  I now wish I did though, but how could I have known then, right?

The Simplest Checklist for Expectant Parents

When I was around 6 or 7 months pregnant with my firstborn, I began doing what most first-time moms would do: create a checklist.  Jennifer Garner's character in the movie Juno called the phase "nesting".  New moms are expectedly excited about this part because, 1 - it involves shopping, and 2 - the activity kickstarts the mother mode in your brain, which will stay on forever.

But what most new moms are not aware of is that baby care shops know exactly how to capitalize on that excitement.  Before entering Babies 'R' Us for the first time, I was armed with a checklist and a budget, plus I went with my parents, who are sensible shoppers, so I was confident that I would find what I need and not go overboard.  But, once the automatic doors opened, all common sense seemed to fade away.  We were immediately sidetracked by the colorful onesies and nifty thingamajigs on display -- and we were only a mere 5 meters deep into the store!  It was a trap.  A most cute one at that.  But nonetheless a trap.  It was a good thing that I had a limited budget, so a couple of hours later, we came out of there bearing only the real necessities.

Two kids later and dozens of friends advised, I've now come up with the simplest "new parents" checklist ever.  Think of it as a "starter kit" with only the essentials.  Useful also for when you're invited to a baby shower or you have friends who are new parents.  I personally refer to this checklist when buying baby shower gifts (always a big hit: diapers, onesies, burp cloths, and wet tissue).

Bullying is Not a Playground Prank

October is National Bullying Prevention Month in the US.  This becomes much more relevant off the heels of the recent tragedies involving 8 young men who were "bullied to death" in just the last 3 weeks.  It is mind-boggling and heart-wrenching at the same time.

Is it just coincidence that all these kids are gay?  If I remember correctly, some of them were already being bullied even before they admitted being gay.  But still, gay or not, what makes this issue more urgent is that these are CHILDREN who are KILLING themselves.  How could they have been driven to a state of total desperation that made them believe they are worthless and that there was no other way out but death?

Ninja's Piano Fingers

After four months of piano lessons, Ninja shows us what he's learned so far.  
I am very amused by those piano fingers.  They remind me of someone...

:-)