October is National Bullying Prevention Month in the US. This becomes much more relevant off the heels of the recent tragedies involving 8 young men who were "bullied to death" in just the last 3 weeks. It is mind-boggling and heart-wrenching at the same time.
Is it just coincidence that all these kids are gay? If I remember correctly, some of them were already being bullied even before they admitted being gay. But still, gay or not, what makes this issue more urgent is that these are CHILDREN who are KILLING themselves. How could they have been driven to a state of total desperation that made them believe they are worthless and that there was no other way out but death?
Bullies exist everywhere and in many forms. They're not always the tallest, bulkiest, always angry black-clad kids who are out to smack littler people. Bullies can be anyone or any group of people who force themselves on other people. They force their beliefs, their culture, their behavior, their needs, their desires, their ambition, their strength, their authority over others for one reason or another. They see an opportunity to push people around and they do take advantage of the situation, seemingly without hesitation and sometimes, more unfortunately, without a justifiable reason. Which only makes it all the more confusing and tragic for the victims.
My eldest son was around 5 years old when he was bullied for the first time. In Kinder 2 class (or Preparatory, as other schools call it), he became friends with a kid who was new to the school. They soon became inseparable; my son had found his first best friend. None of us -- including his teachers -- could have ever expected what would happen 7 months later.
My son had become fidgety, nervous, and very sad. He was innately shy, but that time, he had turned reclusive and, worse of all, he became afraid of kids his age. I had a dreadful feeling he had been bullied but he wouldn't tell me. And then one day, he and his younger brother were arguing, so I stepped in and asked what was going on. Out of the blue, my older son began to wail and spurt out all the mean things that his "best friend" had done to him in the recent weeks. Grabbing and crumpling up his drawings and throwing them away, pulling down his pants in front of others, hitting him on the head, pushing him in the playground, grabbing his water bottle and throwing it down a stairwell as he laughed, etc. I felt hot and cold at the same time. I finally understood his behavior, but it still didn't make sense. Why did that kid have to do what he did? My son trusted him, loved him as a brother.
His teachers were no help, the school did nothing, the bully denied everything and that was that. It blew my mind. They didn't understand the enormity and depth of the damage the bully had caused in my son. He was so scared of the bully that merely a sighting incited such a panic in him. And all through summer, and even in the following school year (Grade 1), my son didn't want to go inside the classroom, he didn't want to sit with anyone, didn't want to participate in any activity, didn't want to talk, didn't want to listen to the teachers, didn't look at anyone in the eye, didn't want to eat properly, didn't want to play with anyone else but his younger brother. He didn't want to do anything. He just kept to himself in the classroom, in the corner farthest from everyone else.
But our story took a positive twist. We met teachers who empathized with my son's feelings, stooped down to his level and shared his pain. They were patient, understanding, and supportive. They were sensitive to his needs and gently prodded him back to being a "normal" kid. We worked with them constantly on a "repair" plan.
Is it just coincidence that all these kids are gay? If I remember correctly, some of them were already being bullied even before they admitted being gay. But still, gay or not, what makes this issue more urgent is that these are CHILDREN who are KILLING themselves. How could they have been driven to a state of total desperation that made them believe they are worthless and that there was no other way out but death?
Bullies exist everywhere and in many forms. They're not always the tallest, bulkiest, always angry black-clad kids who are out to smack littler people. Bullies can be anyone or any group of people who force themselves on other people. They force their beliefs, their culture, their behavior, their needs, their desires, their ambition, their strength, their authority over others for one reason or another. They see an opportunity to push people around and they do take advantage of the situation, seemingly without hesitation and sometimes, more unfortunately, without a justifiable reason. Which only makes it all the more confusing and tragic for the victims.
My eldest son was around 5 years old when he was bullied for the first time. In Kinder 2 class (or Preparatory, as other schools call it), he became friends with a kid who was new to the school. They soon became inseparable; my son had found his first best friend. None of us -- including his teachers -- could have ever expected what would happen 7 months later.
My son had become fidgety, nervous, and very sad. He was innately shy, but that time, he had turned reclusive and, worse of all, he became afraid of kids his age. I had a dreadful feeling he had been bullied but he wouldn't tell me. And then one day, he and his younger brother were arguing, so I stepped in and asked what was going on. Out of the blue, my older son began to wail and spurt out all the mean things that his "best friend" had done to him in the recent weeks. Grabbing and crumpling up his drawings and throwing them away, pulling down his pants in front of others, hitting him on the head, pushing him in the playground, grabbing his water bottle and throwing it down a stairwell as he laughed, etc. I felt hot and cold at the same time. I finally understood his behavior, but it still didn't make sense. Why did that kid have to do what he did? My son trusted him, loved him as a brother.
His teachers were no help, the school did nothing, the bully denied everything and that was that. It blew my mind. They didn't understand the enormity and depth of the damage the bully had caused in my son. He was so scared of the bully that merely a sighting incited such a panic in him. And all through summer, and even in the following school year (Grade 1), my son didn't want to go inside the classroom, he didn't want to sit with anyone, didn't want to participate in any activity, didn't want to talk, didn't want to listen to the teachers, didn't look at anyone in the eye, didn't want to eat properly, didn't want to play with anyone else but his younger brother. He didn't want to do anything. He just kept to himself in the classroom, in the corner farthest from everyone else.
But our story took a positive twist. We met teachers who empathized with my son's feelings, stooped down to his level and shared his pain. They were patient, understanding, and supportive. They were sensitive to his needs and gently prodded him back to being a "normal" kid. We worked with them constantly on a "repair" plan.
We knew we had finally achieved "normalcy" when my son volunteered to perform a couple of Michael Jackson songs during a school celebration event. He was in 2nd grade at that time. He had finally & completely come out of his shell. Now, he's in the 3rd grade and he is one of the most well-loved kids in his school. His teachers say he is responsible, teachable, cheerful, and sweet.
It took just about 2 months for one 5-year old bully to destroy my son's spirit. It took almost 2 years for 6 adults to rebuild it.
I don't know if my son's experience had anything to do with this, but the school launched an anti-bully campaign 2 years ago. The school environment has changed a lot since then. It now seems very unlikely that bullying could ever happen there again. I feel that the teachers are now better trained to handle those kinds of situations.
When I look at my son now, I sometimes forget what happened to him over 3 years ago. All bullied kids should be able to get out of what they feel is a "dead end". Bullies in school should be stopped and reformed while they are still young. Parents should be made accountable. We should all care.
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